Thursday, January 30, 2014

Lucas Anthony

October 24th, 2013 will forever be a favorite day of mine. As cliche as it sounds, words can't describe the emotions I felt that day. The levels of excitement, love, anxiety, fear, and pure joy were off the charts. And to top it off, I got to experience it all with my sweet Teddy.

By the time I hit 38 weeks, I was beyond ready to meet our little guy. I was sick of the uncomfortable sleep, rotating through the 5 outfits that still fit (which consisted entirely of leggings and maxi skirts), and the constant anxiety of whether or not my water had broken. To say I was paranoid would be an understatement. I had had enough of the "Wow you're ready to pop" and constant stares at my belly from strangers. So when my due date came and went without getting to meet my babe I was a whole new level of frustrated and anxious. But then the day came, and all of a sudden I wasn't ready! Had I enjoyed my pregnancy as much as I could? Was I ready to not feel our little guy's every move? I would no longer be the only one to really know him, was I ready to share? Would I be a good mom? What if he won't breastfeed? What if we don't have that instant connection! How smooth would delivery go? Would my relationship with Teddy remain as strong as it was when we had a baby to constantly take care of? Would I feel incomplete without my belly, and being able to protect him at all times? I may have panicked a little {a lot}. And then, my sweetest husband gave me a beautiful blessing and even though my worries didn't go away, they were manageable and I was able to enjoy this special day.

Looking back, I only have one regret. I wish I wouldn't have been so over-the-top anxious about every little thing that was coming my way. But honestly, I don't think there is any way to prevent that. After going through such a sacred experience, I know that all those worries were so minor compared to the joy that would soon be overflowing from my heart.

{Almost ready to push!}

Finally, at 11:38 that night, I held my little boy. The warmth of his body on my chest was the sweetest thing I have ever felt. Feeling his {extremely long} arms and legs squirming, and hearing that sweet newborn cry changed my life forever. I was his mommy and I had no doubt that he knew that too. All of the sudden I was changed. I was no longer only a wife, sister, auntie, or friend. I was a mom and there is no greater calling I could ever dream of having in life. I cried and cried because already, being a mom was better than I had ever dreamed it would be. Watching Ted hold our sweet baby for the first time was heart wrenching in the best way possible. I had occasionally worried that they wouldn't have an instant connection because feeling a baby move from the outside is so different than feeling him roll around, and hiccup inside of you. I could not have been more wrong. I watched as our dark eyed boy looked at his daddy, and his daddy pulled him close with the biggest smile I had ever seen. There wasn't a doubt in my mind that we could do this. I knew it would be so hard at times, and we had so much to learn. But with these two boys on my team, how could I wish for anything greater?

Being a mom isn't easy. It is a constant battle of trying to find balance in a crazy, hectic life. But when I lay in bed with my husband and we contemplate whether or not we should wake up our sleeping angel so we can play with him, I know there isn't anything else in the entire world I would rather be doing. Watching our little Lucas light up when he sees Ted beats everything I ever dreamed of. His smiley eyes, toothless grin, and baby coos make me wonder what I was ever doing before this. How could it get any better? There isn't anything more important in my life than my family, and as imperfect as we are-- I wouldn't trade this for anything. I can't wait for the adventures we have ahead. Life is so wonderful, and it keeps getting better every single day.

Monday, January 27, 2014

Life Changes

2013 will always be considered one of the best years of my life. It was full of memories, and life changing events. Luckily, more good than bad :) If you would have told me last January that in one year I would have a 3 month old, I would have laughed in your face. But, here I am-- a mom of an adorable, precious, and studly little boy that I couldn't love more if I tried.

Last February I had this constant nausea, I had no idea what was wrong with me. It is crazy, I can remember Ted coming home late one night from basketball, and he came in to talk with me. I started out our conversation just fine and about 45 minutes later the sickness hit me. I thought I just needed to get some sleep. Well, long story short, it never went away and the whole time Ted told me I was pregnant. We weren't trying, and at the time we didn't have insurance so I was really freaking out. He went and bought a pregnancy test, and we were a little unsure if the results meant I was pregnant. The second line was so faint so we weren't sure how to respond.. Part of me wondered if the faint line was just a pigment of my imagination. Of course we turned to trusty Google, and everything we read said "2 lines=pregnant" no matter how light or dark it may be. But we just didn't want to get our hopes up. Even though we tried to hold it in, we started getting really excited. We stayed up all night talking about our little baby, names, and plans for the future. I couldn't stop looking at all the nursery ideas on Pinterest, and I scrolled through the baby clothes on so many websites.

We went to the mall the next day, and I have never noticed so many pregnant women. They were everywhere. And they all seemed so happy. It was then that I realized how badly I wanted to be one of them! I was ready for this experience. It's a crazy thing, taking a pregnancy test. I had so many emotions.. If it was positive, was I ready? Could we handle this change!? Would we know how to care for a newborn!? If it was negative, I knew I would be disappointed. All I have ever wanted to be in life was a wife and a mom! So we couldn't handle the uncertainty any more and we bought a digital test. We were beyond excited when "Pregnant" showed up. It was real, we were becoming a family of 3!

It was hard for me to believe. Even though Ted and I were getting ready to celebrate 3 years together, I didn't know if I was ready to share him. As selfish as that sounds, it's true. Don't get me wrong, I couldn't be more grateful for this experience to have a baby with the love of my life, but it was a lot to take in. My sweet husband was my rock through the first few, difficult months. Well actually throughout the whole pregnancy. When I had my breakdowns he constantly reminded me how blessed we were, and that if it we were meant to have a baby now, we would. Even if we weren't quite sure.

That Valentine's Day we made our usual fort {kind of my favorite tradition}, and my heart had never been so happy knowing that we were going to be sharing our fort with our little babe the next year. It was an amazing 9 months of pregnancy. Words can't describe how special that experience is. I thought I loved my husband A LOT before, but it doesn't even compare to my love for him now. And holy cow, that baby we made? I've never been more proud of anything in my life.